Sunday, June 17, 2007

James Allen Workman 1948 - 1989

Yesterday I had written about my father's life and posted it here. I decided to take the original post down. . .It's too much info and really, I wrote it because I felt that I needed to in order to really connect with his memory. It was therapy for me I guess. I kept it up overnight and that's enough.

Most of his life was filled with pain due to his illness. He was a good father and a loving man. He taught me many things and I am thankful for having him for the first 19 years of my life and now, I am thankful for the GOOD memories that he left with me.

He died in 1989. . .A year after receiving his transplanted heart his body continued to reject the new tissue and he passed away. The first few years were very difficult for me to get through. I grieved so hard and I felt so much guilt. . .Wishing that I'd done more for him while he was still living. . .Kicking myself for missed opportunities of spending time with him. I had to let him go for awhile in order to get past the grief. For years, I wouldn't allow myself to think of him much. When I did, I'd push his memory away. Now, his memory is back in the front of my mind again and the grief is as nearly as fresh as if he'd only been gone for a little while. I wish I had the strength to deal with losing him when I was younger so that I wouldn't have to revisit it again. Or, maybe what I am going through is normal. Maybe you never really get over losing a loved one.

The first picture is of my dad at age 12. . . He's the guy on the left in the next pic, my uncle is on the right. We were vacationing in Nags Head NC, which was my father's favorite place in the world. I'm the little girl in the background that didn't notice the camera. Looks like I just suffered a wipeout on my raft or something. I remember that day . .. It was a very good one.

The 3rd pic is of my dad at my Grandmother's house. It was taken years before he became so ill. He used to be a coach. . .He loved the children as much as he loved sports.

The last pic is my father in his last year of life. Obviously he is very ill in this one. My daughter Ashley is the baby that he is holding. I am so thrilled that two could meet before his passing.

Happy Father's Day Daddy. . .I miss you.


Anti-Aging Guru said...

Hi Lydia, it's Antonia.
Somehow I ended up on your blog and read this. How very sad. I wanted to tell you something. My father (who had me in his 60s) passed away with Alzheimer's. He never knew who I was so I pretended to be my older sister. When he died, I was living in Canada and never really grieved. When we cry and rant and rage over a loss, or exult over a love, the brain makes new pathways. The more those pathways are used, the less impact the emotion that causes them has on us. This explains the dampening of passion, and the lessening of pain associated with loss. So, when we don't grieve, the brain just experiences each thought or remembrance as another wound and it never "heals." It's good that this happened or is happening for you later on as it really is a chance to heal. It happened to me about ten years ago. (Dad died a long, long time ago.) I never really knew my dad and I'm always wishing I could have walked on a beach with him and really talked. The pain left with all those tears and rants and raves, but I still miss what might have been.
Perhaps your father speaks to you through your amazing talent. "Something" is directing it from above as your beads are truly out of this world! Anti-Aging Guru is my alter-ego by the way. LOL!

AshtonJewels said...

Thank you Tonia for taking the time to write these thoughts down to share with me. The fact that you didn't get to spend time with your father is a reminder to me of how lucky I was to have so much time with my father while he was alive. I wish you had had the same oppurtunity as I. I know that I will see my dad again. I am sure that he watches over my sister, myself and our children.

Although your father wasn't a part of your life, I would be willing to bet that he watches over you now that he's passed. Even if that statement is nothing more than "wishful thinking", it sure feels good to believe it, don't you think?

Anti aging guru? Ah. . .I love it!!! What a great mindset you have. I too am trying to defy the hands of time but after yesterday's 3 mile run, I feel dreadfully ANCIENT!!